Episode 02 - The Guilt

 Nithya sat with her eyes staring down blankly at the table.  Her cheeks had reddened due to excessive crying. As her mind was lost in thoughts, she did not realise her brother, Anish, had already taken place next to her. He did not speak. He was waiting for her to compose. There were things she did not understand - why she wept whilst in a stranger's arms or why she felt lost in his big green eyes or why she felt she found heaven in his arms and the most important question was why she felt guilt engulf her when she got news of her fiance and her best friend’s death. 

Pain caused by the ones you consider closed ones hurts you the most. It takes time to heal but the scar is still there to remind you of the pain. And on that unfateful night, she had visited her fiance’s house to surprise him only to witness him making out with her best friend. She was devastated and heartbroken. Her world came crumbling down. They became aware of her presence. They tried to seek her forgiveness. Her rational mind became fogged by anger. Their apologies fell on deaf ears.

She spent that whole night alone thinking about where she had gone wrong and she thought perhaps her going to Mumbai for a few months to save some orphans from being victims of human trafficking was a wrong decision. Perhaps, if she had balanced her work and relationship, she would have saved her relationship. Perhaps, if she worked in the usual corporate job, unlike her social activist work which needed her attention 24/7, her relationship would have stabilised now. Unfortunately, nothing could validate their actions. They were guilty. It was not her mistake. He knew the nature of her work and where her heart was even before they were lovers.

Anger intensified as she recalled the events and then she made a grave sin. She cursed them that they would die a painful death and her wish was granted by God. She assumed that night she would be happiest at the news of their death. Instead, she felt guilty and hurt for the venom she spewed on them.  She did love them once upon a time when things were really good between them. Her best friend was the first friend she had made during her childhood while her fiance was her first love. And they broke her trust. She didn’t know if she could ever forgive them or herself.

And then when she was engulfed with this sadness, she felt her heart skip a beat when she saw those beautiful pairs of green eyes. She forgot the pain for a few minutes and felt the time stand still. What was that feeling? An attraction perhaps. But whatever it was, it felt nice and also wrong at the same time. 

Anish and her mother were the only families she had. Her father died when her brother and she were very young. Her mother single-handedly raised them without much support from other members of their extended family. She always shared good and bad things in her life with them except for her fiance and best friend’s betrayal. She didn’t know how they would react. She knew they would sympathise with her and she hated that. She hated it when people would sympathise with her for any mishappenings in her life. It made her think the world considered her vulnerable and weak.

“Akka, it’s okay to cry. We are always with you. You know that.”, her brother, Anish spoke at last. He could not wait any longer. He could not let her suffer for long.  Nithya did not speak a word. Instead, she stared at him. She wanted to say many things. She did not find the right words to convey her feelings. He held her hand and rubbed it lightly to console her heart. “I understand how hard it has been on you. And you are not alone. Take your time to heal and we are always together.”, he said softly.

“I killed them both.”, she said. He tilted his head quizzingly and his eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”, he asked. “You remember that night when I had preponed my flight? I... I had gone directly to Vineet’s place from the airport. I caught him cheating on me with Shreya.”, she finally revealed her darkest secret.

He was shocked at the revelation. He had always thought Vineet was head over heels in love with his sister. He didn’t realise that the wretched man could break his heart. He had almost nudged the glass off the table in anger when he decided against it. He didn’t want to cause any drama and it was no use to shower anger on an inanimate thing as glass when the cause of his anger had already met his end. 

“Why couldn’t you tell me before? I would have broken his ribs. And why do you feel guilty? You didn’t kill anyone. He deserved it. They both deserved it.”, he said and hugged her while she wept. She was feeling lighter now but the guilt still lingered in her mind, causing more pain and hurt.